My hair was straight, the color of dishwater. My mom gave me perm and perm, highlight and highlight. I too did not feel adequate as I was. I love how you described your journey to freedom!
Oh Katie, thank you so much for this and for sharing your own experience, I am so struck by how much this is a (too) common one. You know I would've longed to swap with your beautiful smooth hair—that's another thing that's interesting, the comments here have confirmed how we so very much long for 'the other'. The grass is blonder/straighter/curlier/whatever ... such a journey back to ourselves, you're absolutely right.
Jen, you have written of an experience of so many of us - not necessarily the curly hair but the feelings of being too much or not enough to fit in - always feeling like we are in the outside. We are so fragile when we are young our hearts is tender to the words of others 😢. Even as a girl with straight hair I was not happy with mine either!
So thankful that we can grow to love ourselves more fully - even our unruly hair!
Ah, you are so right, Sue—that outside looking in, and the FRAGILITY. This. It's what makes it so heart wrenching to see how this has played out online on social media now for this tender-hearted, as you say, age and stage of life. I am so with you, and could talk to you for hours about that alone! It's so interesting to see how many resonate with the longing for the other/different/opposite, and what a key role hair plays (although it can manifest and apply to different areas, as you say). I love that you are doing so much to encourage and speak love and positivity into the areas of appearance and identity in your writing, specifically. How you encourage experimenting with fashion, style and so on as an expression, rather than a repression, and a joy. You do so much to help others grow in the way you describe!
Oh, Jenni, I love this! As a fellow Italian, I feel your pain with the unstoppable curly hair! While all my friends (or girls in my class) had those cute flips, I wrestled with the unruly curls. I've just about burned my high school photo from freshman year. Between the hair and leftover pasta fat from grade school, I cringe at the pic. It's only been since the blow dryer that I've been able to obtain straighter hair. But now, my hair doesn't hold a curl, so I've added the curling iron and have even had my hair permed a couple of times (OH! The ease of non-hassle). Thanks for this trip down memory lane.
Janis, I feel like we could compare many notes on blow-drying strategies and getting an intended curl to stay (mine never do, even with a curling or waving tong—unless I pile on the hairspray, then we're back to the immovable crispy curl situation again!). That's so interesting that you've gone for perms now that your hair doesn't hold the curl (the irony! I've thought the same when I have curled mine!). Thank you so much for letting me know this resonated with you, and for sharing.
New challenges call for new strategies! It sounds like it would be helpful to have a chat through with your stylist about the kind of products, and even blow-drying techniques etc you can switch up to work with how your hair is now. My curl texture has changed a lot in recent years, but largely because of all the over-highlighting! 😭🙊 That said, I’ve also found myself going back to some of my old favourites too, like Aveda - I really like their Purefume Brilliant hydrating and shine, boosting range. 💗
Ooh I love this Jen. So relatable, yet I really envy your gorgeous hair! Speaking as someone who always had extremely straight hair whatever I did with it. For a birthday treat each year my mum would spend hours tying my hair in rags so it would be curly/wavy for half a day before it dropped out or merely looked as though it needed a good brush! I remember later at senior school being fascinated in assembly by the perfectly smooth blonde pony tail of a girl in front, which always flicked back into place. How does it do that?
Then at uni, there was a girl who looked very like me, who had long dark curly hair. Every night before we went out I would be tonging my hair into curls and she would be there with the straighteners, trying to smooth hers down. We always want what we don't have. But for you, it symbolises so much more and you and your gorgeous family have such beautiful curls. And the photo of your lovely girl - so precious xx
Oh isn't that extraordinary, that you and your uni doppelgänger were doing the opposite with your tongs and straighteners?! Reading about your mum and those rag curlers brought back memories of the ones you could get in kits in the 80s - and do you remember Molton Browners? The bendy foam things?! I always longed to be able to use them in my hair to get those sought-after, tousled waves! And what about crimpers? That's a whole other story! .... XO
And now I've been instantly transported to that time I got a perm in high school! Always longing to fit in, feeling like I was forever on the outside looking in. So resonate with your words! Love Rachel's book, and Sue's words are always such an encouragement to me.
Becky! The 'outside looking in' theme here in the few comments here show how, heartbreakingly, this is so very much a thing, isn't it? I hear you and I find it fascinating, too, that you were doing the same, but the opposite, with the perming. As for Rachel's book, I am just getting started listening and I already know I'll have to get the paperback, too, because I keep having to stop and write things down! SO good. And Sue's words are beautiful, aren't they, and her coming-alongside encouragement so powerful? Thank you so much for this.
Humbled and honored to read this. Your story is beautiful. Here's to all of us coming into our own. Speaking of hair, my friend Tasha just wrote a piece on (in)courage that swept me off my feet. It's called "Grief, Gratitude, and Gray Hair" and I'm thinking it'll resonate with you, too. Hope you enjoy it and find (some more) solidarity in this : )
Oh my, Rachel, thank you so much for this beautiful message and your kind words. They mean so much. Also, thank you so much for cross-posting 🥺 (how can I not crack out that emoji here?!). It's beyond kind of you and so generous of you to share it with your community. It means more than I can say, and Amen to us all coming into our own. (Also, THANK YOU for sharing your friend Tasha's piece, I can't wait to read it. I love the title already! :) )
Oh Rachel, I had to drop back and say OOF Tasha's essay at inCourage is so very beautiful and powerful, and resonates more than I can say! Thank you SO much for being kind enough to link to it! I am ordering Tasha's book now, I am so grateful. Thank you!! ❤️🙏
Jenni, I am so glad you posted this. First of all it a beautifully written piece about self-acceptance. The history of hair written by a curly girl is one most of us curly girls can relate to because we went through so many of the same longings to have what we never could achieve when it came to hair styles. And though the experimentation with techniques meant to leave our hair smooth and sleek may have varied in our own attempts, that too is something I think every curly girl tries. Isn’t funny how when the hair dresser blows out the hair and the hair looks how we always wanted it to look we then feel less like who we really are?
But these lines, broke may heart, "struggling with the brown Kirby grips that pinched her scalp and just got lost in her hair when all she wanted to do was stop her curls sticking out.
To stop herself sticking out.” I do want to give that girl a hug.
Sally, thank you so much for your incredibly kind words, which mean so much. Thank you, too, for sharing how this relates! I'm so struck here by how others have said the same (and in reverse, on having straight hair and longing for the opposite). I am especially struck by and want to think more about your words "when the hair dresser blows out the hair and the hair looks how we always wanted it to look we then feel less like who we really are?". I'm thinking about how this relates to other areas of our appearance, too, now—fashion choices, more ... I feel like our Sue (Fulmore) would expand on this one, beautifully! I wasn't sure about hitting 'Send' on this one, so I appreciate your words so much. Seeing the way others have shared theirs here in the comments has made it totally worth it (and it's why we share our stories, right?). I am humbled. So much love.
Oh! No words. Just love and gratitude. And likewise to all the beautiful ones behind all the stories shared in this thread, and for whom the beautiful, powerful, redemptive words in Let There Be Art has resonated in their hearts. Thank you SO much.
OK, there really aren't words to express how moved I am by this, Christine. All of it. Firstly, you had me "I was the Swedish girl with the straight hair ..." then "... who longed to have the curls..."—oof! You also reminded me of the time I slept with my mother's painfully hard, plastic ROLLERS in the front of my hair, in an attempt to control the curls (GAH!). So, you and me together!! But what you share about your cleft palate, lip and septum—there are neither words or space in this box to respond to how honoured I am that you'd share this, and how this has impacted you when it comes to photos and so on ... these things we don't realise about each other, that we carry, unseen ... I did not share here, but I also have had a kypho-scoliosis of the spine since my early teens which, whilst obviously different, resonates in much the same way with your experience (although, I did not have an op as the risks of the surgery to correct it outweighed the benefits of the cosmetic change it would have made). The what to wear, how to stand in photos, how I look in photos (still) - all of it - still affects me today. and what you say about Instagram, I could not agree with you more. As I said to Sue, above (or a few above!), that's a whole other topic and so very much connected. THE hugest hug, and thank you so much for all of this.
My hair was straight, the color of dishwater. My mom gave me perm and perm, highlight and highlight. I too did not feel adequate as I was. I love how you described your journey to freedom!
Oh Katie, thank you so much for this and for sharing your own experience, I am so struck by how much this is a (too) common one. You know I would've longed to swap with your beautiful smooth hair—that's another thing that's interesting, the comments here have confirmed how we so very much long for 'the other'. The grass is blonder/straighter/curlier/whatever ... such a journey back to ourselves, you're absolutely right.
Her journey to freedom is the perfect way to describe this.
Isn't it a beautiful way of putting it? XO
Jen, you have written of an experience of so many of us - not necessarily the curly hair but the feelings of being too much or not enough to fit in - always feeling like we are in the outside. We are so fragile when we are young our hearts is tender to the words of others 😢. Even as a girl with straight hair I was not happy with mine either!
So thankful that we can grow to love ourselves more fully - even our unruly hair!
Ah, you are so right, Sue—that outside looking in, and the FRAGILITY. This. It's what makes it so heart wrenching to see how this has played out online on social media now for this tender-hearted, as you say, age and stage of life. I am so with you, and could talk to you for hours about that alone! It's so interesting to see how many resonate with the longing for the other/different/opposite, and what a key role hair plays (although it can manifest and apply to different areas, as you say). I love that you are doing so much to encourage and speak love and positivity into the areas of appearance and identity in your writing, specifically. How you encourage experimenting with fashion, style and so on as an expression, rather than a repression, and a joy. You do so much to help others grow in the way you describe!
Oh, Jenni, I love this! As a fellow Italian, I feel your pain with the unstoppable curly hair! While all my friends (or girls in my class) had those cute flips, I wrestled with the unruly curls. I've just about burned my high school photo from freshman year. Between the hair and leftover pasta fat from grade school, I cringe at the pic. It's only been since the blow dryer that I've been able to obtain straighter hair. But now, my hair doesn't hold a curl, so I've added the curling iron and have even had my hair permed a couple of times (OH! The ease of non-hassle). Thanks for this trip down memory lane.
And, no, you can't see my freshman photo :)
Janis, I feel like we could compare many notes on blow-drying strategies and getting an intended curl to stay (mine never do, even with a curling or waving tong—unless I pile on the hairspray, then we're back to the immovable crispy curl situation again!). That's so interesting that you've gone for perms now that your hair doesn't hold the curl (the irony! I've thought the same when I have curled mine!). Thank you so much for letting me know this resonated with you, and for sharing.
Fun memories, but glad the worst hair days are in the past. Although a new season of hair problems seems to be moving in!
New challenges call for new strategies! It sounds like it would be helpful to have a chat through with your stylist about the kind of products, and even blow-drying techniques etc you can switch up to work with how your hair is now. My curl texture has changed a lot in recent years, but largely because of all the over-highlighting! 😭🙊 That said, I’ve also found myself going back to some of my old favourites too, like Aveda - I really like their Purefume Brilliant hydrating and shine, boosting range. 💗
Ooh I love this Jen. So relatable, yet I really envy your gorgeous hair! Speaking as someone who always had extremely straight hair whatever I did with it. For a birthday treat each year my mum would spend hours tying my hair in rags so it would be curly/wavy for half a day before it dropped out or merely looked as though it needed a good brush! I remember later at senior school being fascinated in assembly by the perfectly smooth blonde pony tail of a girl in front, which always flicked back into place. How does it do that?
Then at uni, there was a girl who looked very like me, who had long dark curly hair. Every night before we went out I would be tonging my hair into curls and she would be there with the straighteners, trying to smooth hers down. We always want what we don't have. But for you, it symbolises so much more and you and your gorgeous family have such beautiful curls. And the photo of your lovely girl - so precious xx
Oh isn't that extraordinary, that you and your uni doppelgänger were doing the opposite with your tongs and straighteners?! Reading about your mum and those rag curlers brought back memories of the ones you could get in kits in the 80s - and do you remember Molton Browners? The bendy foam things?! I always longed to be able to use them in my hair to get those sought-after, tousled waves! And what about crimpers? That's a whole other story! .... XO
And now I've been instantly transported to that time I got a perm in high school! Always longing to fit in, feeling like I was forever on the outside looking in. So resonate with your words! Love Rachel's book, and Sue's words are always such an encouragement to me.
Becky! The 'outside looking in' theme here in the few comments here show how, heartbreakingly, this is so very much a thing, isn't it? I hear you and I find it fascinating, too, that you were doing the same, but the opposite, with the perming. As for Rachel's book, I am just getting started listening and I already know I'll have to get the paperback, too, because I keep having to stop and write things down! SO good. And Sue's words are beautiful, aren't they, and her coming-alongside encouragement so powerful? Thank you so much for this.
Humbled and honored to read this. Your story is beautiful. Here's to all of us coming into our own. Speaking of hair, my friend Tasha just wrote a piece on (in)courage that swept me off my feet. It's called "Grief, Gratitude, and Gray Hair" and I'm thinking it'll resonate with you, too. Hope you enjoy it and find (some more) solidarity in this : )
https://incourage.me/2023/03/grief-gratitude-and-gray-hair.html
Oh my, Rachel, thank you so much for this beautiful message and your kind words. They mean so much. Also, thank you so much for cross-posting 🥺 (how can I not crack out that emoji here?!). It's beyond kind of you and so generous of you to share it with your community. It means more than I can say, and Amen to us all coming into our own. (Also, THANK YOU for sharing your friend Tasha's piece, I can't wait to read it. I love the title already! :) )
Was hugged and humbled and honored by your words. Cheers to the journey — all of us coming into our own! : )
Amen!! And cheers indeed!! 🙏🏻🙌💗
Oh Rachel, I had to drop back and say OOF Tasha's essay at inCourage is so very beautiful and powerful, and resonates more than I can say! Thank you SO much for being kind enough to link to it! I am ordering Tasha's book now, I am so grateful. Thank you!! ❤️🙏
Jenni, I am so glad you posted this. First of all it a beautifully written piece about self-acceptance. The history of hair written by a curly girl is one most of us curly girls can relate to because we went through so many of the same longings to have what we never could achieve when it came to hair styles. And though the experimentation with techniques meant to leave our hair smooth and sleek may have varied in our own attempts, that too is something I think every curly girl tries. Isn’t funny how when the hair dresser blows out the hair and the hair looks how we always wanted it to look we then feel less like who we really are?
But these lines, broke may heart, "struggling with the brown Kirby grips that pinched her scalp and just got lost in her hair when all she wanted to do was stop her curls sticking out.
To stop herself sticking out.” I do want to give that girl a hug.
Thanks for publishing this. I truly loved it!
Sally, thank you so much for your incredibly kind words, which mean so much. Thank you, too, for sharing how this relates! I'm so struck here by how others have said the same (and in reverse, on having straight hair and longing for the opposite). I am especially struck by and want to think more about your words "when the hair dresser blows out the hair and the hair looks how we always wanted it to look we then feel less like who we really are?". I'm thinking about how this relates to other areas of our appearance, too, now—fashion choices, more ... I feel like our Sue (Fulmore) would expand on this one, beautifully! I wasn't sure about hitting 'Send' on this one, so I appreciate your words so much. Seeing the way others have shared theirs here in the comments has made it totally worth it (and it's why we share our stories, right?). I am humbled. So much love.
Oh! No words. Just love and gratitude. And likewise to all the beautiful ones behind all the stories shared in this thread, and for whom the beautiful, powerful, redemptive words in Let There Be Art has resonated in their hearts. Thank you SO much.
OK, there really aren't words to express how moved I am by this, Christine. All of it. Firstly, you had me "I was the Swedish girl with the straight hair ..." then "... who longed to have the curls..."—oof! You also reminded me of the time I slept with my mother's painfully hard, plastic ROLLERS in the front of my hair, in an attempt to control the curls (GAH!). So, you and me together!! But what you share about your cleft palate, lip and septum—there are neither words or space in this box to respond to how honoured I am that you'd share this, and how this has impacted you when it comes to photos and so on ... these things we don't realise about each other, that we carry, unseen ... I did not share here, but I also have had a kypho-scoliosis of the spine since my early teens which, whilst obviously different, resonates in much the same way with your experience (although, I did not have an op as the risks of the surgery to correct it outweighed the benefits of the cosmetic change it would have made). The what to wear, how to stand in photos, how I look in photos (still) - all of it - still affects me today. and what you say about Instagram, I could not agree with you more. As I said to Sue, above (or a few above!), that's a whole other topic and so very much connected. THE hugest hug, and thank you so much for all of this.